From the Mind of AlphaBetsy

I have been fighting a massive battle inside my mind, and I feel the need to get some of this out. This is for me to purge, and is for anyone who may be having the same issues I am. If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time then you would know that I have been working really hard to get into better shape, and to take off weight. I have lost and kept off fifty pounds. I am certainly proud of that. I have also gotten to the point where I can walk a 5k like it is nothing. I can do a full zumba class and come out the other side just a little winded. I have come a really long way. But then I started to read the body positive movement posts and the healthy at every size movement. And I started to feel unnecessarily ashamed of my efforts and my desire to change my body. I started to feel guilty that I can't just love my body, and I have such a drive to lose weight. The guilt made me shame eat which led to me gaining weight, which made me feel worse, and cu...

I am in a time of metanoia. I am working on changing my heart, mind, self and way of life. I am trying to learn to love myself, to learn to appreciate my body and to be thankful for everything my body does for me. I am working on looking at my body for all it's strengths and not just all the flaws. I am evaluating how I treat myself physically and mentally. I know it is time for me to change, and while it is hard for me I am committed to making it happen.   Some of the changes will be easy, or at least easier. Always when I am craving change the first thing to be effected is my hair. I was at first reluctant to take out any of the length, but I am reconsidering. I have a tendency to hide behind my hair, and it may be time to take that away for a while. I am thinking I may want to do an asymmetrical bob. I have been flirting with it since before the wedding, and I think it is time to jump. I am thinking this could happen as soon as next week.   I am also planni...

To keep myself motivated and to share my own progress I am going to start doing Fitness Fridays. I am really trying to make myself get more active and eat better because my health is flagging. I am feeling tired all the time, getting sick at the drop of a hat, and just generally feeling gross, so it is time to make a change. I was doing so well for a while, and I have fallen off the wagon so hard it's ridiculous. I am working on finding a balance between body love and being complacent. I want to love my body as it is, and how it is, but I also know that my weight does cause me issues and health problems. In some ways I have begun to feel guilty for wanting to make these changes. I know, though, that my reason for wanting the change comes completely from within and not from without. I'm sure that society has had some effect on my psyche, but I don't feel that giving up on body image completely will help my self esteem in the long run. I will not push my fitness agenda on a...