Fighting a war inside myself

I have been fighting a massive battle inside my mind, and I feel the need to get some of this out. This is for me to purge, and is for anyone who may be having the same issues I am.

If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time then you would know that I have been working really hard to get into better shape, and to take off weight. I have lost and kept off fifty pounds. I am certainly proud of that. I have also gotten to the point where I can walk a 5k like it is nothing. I can do a full zumba class and come out the other side just a little winded. I have come a really long way.

But then I started to read the body positive movement posts and the healthy at every size movement. And I started to feel unnecessarily ashamed of my efforts and my desire to change my body. I started to feel guilty that I can't just love my body, and I have such a drive to lose weight. The guilt made me shame eat which led to me gaining weight, which made me feel worse, and cue vicious cycle. I am making myself crazy with the constant back and forth.

Suddenly it hit me though, the whole point of the body love movement and haes is that you need to do what is right for you. No one should be forced to lose weight if they do not want to. Conversely though I should not feel pressured to stay at a weight at which I am not comfortable. It has taken me far too long and too much anxiety and internal pressure to come to such a simple realization. I know now, though, that none of these people want me to make myself miserable. That is the opposite of what they want.

So I am back to my workouts and healthy eating, because it makes me feel good about myself. At the same time I am learning about my body, and what an amazing machine it is. I am learning what size I am most comfortable at. I am becoming comfortable and happy in my skin. What is more body positive than that? 

Comments

Faye Dewell said…
Hmmm. I'm no size 4 over here (more like a 14) but honestly, I think being in shape and healthy is a great thing. And that comes in many different sizes. I'll never be smaller than a size 10 or 12. It doesn't work with my body type. But I'd rather be a size 14 and healthy than a size 8 and sickly. So I think you should be proud of the work you're doing to get in shape and be healthy in your body more than anything else.

Does that make sense? I think it's super important to focus more on health than weight because the skinny movement is far too often at the expense of genuine health. So be proud of your zumba and walking skills. That's awesome, whatever size they come in!
Kathie Truitt said…
I'm right there with you. I've fought this same inner war my whole life.

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